Countdown to 30: 30 days, 30 Lessons (Day 13 - Show Up to Your Big Game)

Everyone has their version of the Super Bowl: that one challenge you'll have to face if everything goes the way you want it to. Success is increasing challenges and responsibilities - there will eventually (and repeatedly) be the Big Challenge that changes the game. And the first and hardest thing you have to do at that challenge is show up.

Showing up is hard. Period.

It is easier than one thinks to not show up, ask Peyton Manning. Whatever the reason, and I'm not going to attempt to guess, something didn't show up for Manning and the Broncos last night. "Showing up" isn't just physically being somewhere, going through the motions, hoping that what has worked before will continue to work. "Showing up" is when preparation and planning meet execution; it's being both in the moment and three steps ahead.

In order to show up to your Big Challenge, you have to know it's the Big Challenge.

That's where planning and preparation comes in. Not every challenge is the Big Challenge. You have to be able to differentiate between today's challenge and the Big Challenge. It's why the playoffs in any sport are special - the stakes are different. You don't take playoff risks in regular season play. You don't deplete the resources you need for the Big Challenge for today's challenge. 

Even then, sometimes it just won't be there. Show up anyway.

There is no real doubt that Peyton Manning is good at his job - the debates around him center on just exactly how great he's supposed to be. But something did not happen for him and the rest of the team. Fatigue, lack of clarity, overthinking, or any number of thigns could have contributed. The dangerous part is when we let that be the norm and stop showing up. Defeats are inevitable, but so are more Big Challenges.

Show up, show out, and prepare for the next one.

Courtney

Countdown to 30: 30 days, 30 Lessons (Day 12 - You Never Know Who Will Be Important To You)

I touched on this on Day 1 (Speak Up) but it bears reiterating - you never know who will be important to you. One of my favorite lines in August: Osage County is "Thank God we can't tell the future, we would never get out of bed." And I'm not entirely sure that's true. I think if we could know the future, we wouldn't believe it anyway. 

The tragedy is not the number of people who betray you, it's the number of people you didn't give the chance to support you.

We often assume we know who our friends will be. We dismiss people who don't fit a particular idea of what we want. We don't ask for help because we assume people can't help. We don't confide in people because we assume they don't understand. 

If we knew what everyone else knew, all of our problems would be solved already.

Opening up makes you vulnerable, true, but more often than not it allows you to get your needs met. I currently live with (and love) people whom I wasn't even aware of four months ago. One of my best friends is my former intern; another I met on my very first day of college. I have people helping me run my business who I've never met in person. I couldn't predict what they would do for me, and I've stopped trying. It has also encouraged me to be more generous, even when someone doesnt' expect it. 

People's capacity for generosity exceeds our expectations. We can't predict who will help us, or how, so be open to all of the possibilities.

Courtney

Countdown to 30: 30 days, 30 Lessons (Day 11 - Say You Don't Know)

I embarked on this blogging journey to force myself to work through my experiences and share things I've learned. I use language to process, so while I want and appreciate your readership, this whole thing is about me processing my life experience to date. I am sharing these lessons to grapple with one simple truth:

I don't know.

I have feelings I don't understand. I have insecurities I want to fight. I have fears I don't want to face. I am attempting to wrestle with questions whose answers I don't know. And it's ok to not know. It's freeing to say "I don't know." Understanding what you don't know is the first step in learning something new.

When you are no longer responsible for generating the answer, you can truly appreciate the question. 

So today I sit before you and say that my questions remain unanswered - I am surrending to not having to figure it all out. I, simply, don' t know and that's just fine.

Twenty-one more days

Courtney

Countdown to 30: 30 days, 30 Lessons (Day 10 - If Part of It's Broken, It All Could Be Broken)

I have a lot of strong opinions about a lot of things, particularly around racism, sexuality, inequality, and marginalization. As a result, I spend a lot of time thinking about systems and how they affect our collective existence. While no issue can be (or should be) condensed into a sound bite, I have learned something that applies across the board:

If part of a system is broken, it's probable that all of the system is broken - even the parts that currently work in your favor.

Systems are never perfect: something or someone is always overlooked, trapped, crushed, or dismissed by them. There are things that you as a person are taking for granted at this very moment. The ability to read this puts you in a privileged position on a variety of levels. And there are also plenty of times when the system does not work in your favor.

When the system works for you, take stock of all of the pieces that had to converge for that to happen. When it doesn't work, consider what you can contribute to fix it, change or, or discard it.

Ultimately, this is a lesson on empathy and recognizing that there are structures in place that reward some behaviors and punish others. This isn't necessarily because some behaviors and experiences are objectively better, it is because those behaviors and experiences are favored. Just because the system rewards you, it doesn't mean that you are better. Remembering that allows us all to be more aware of our place in this world.

"Better" doesn't exist in a vacuum. Rewards are distributed to benefit the system, not necessarily the recipient. Any system always works in its favor.

Racism rewards behaviors and experiences that are White-centered; sexism rewards behaviors and experiences that are male-centered; capitalism rewards behaviors and experiences that are money-centered; consumerism rewards behaviors and experiences that are consumption-centered...the list continues. When you are rewarded by these systems, ask yourself - what system did I contribute to? And if someone else was not rewarded, why not? Not "what did they do wrong?" Rather, "what did the system see in me that protects itself? What did it not see in someone else?" 

Every moment is an opportunity to question our assumptions. When the veneer is cracked, don't jump to repair it. Take a moment to lift it up, and see what you're actually working with.

Courtney

Countdown to 30: 30 days, 30 Lessons (Day 9 - Laugh Loudly and Often)

Happy Wednesday. This never ceases to be funny to me:

 

I really enjoy making people laugh and laughing with them. Anyone who has ever met my mother knows that it's impossible to not laugh in her presence, and if I'm a third as funny as she is, I'm one lucky individual.

I also spend a lot of my time being serious, though as I get older I take myself decidedly less seriously. Adulthood is filled with so many moments you have to take seriously, it becomes a welcome break to engage in foolishness of any kind. 

Today's lesson is to occasionally embrace foolishness. Laugh loudly and often. Look for the humor in things.

Happy Wednesday!

HUMP DAAAA-AAAYYY!

Courtney

Countdown to 30: 30 days, 30 Lessons (Day 8 - Recognize Your Best and Worst Qualities)

I am really nosy. Most of the time, this trait exhibits itself as a healthy curiosity sated by an hour or two on Wikipedia. However, there are moments when I'm digging just to dig: I want to know the who, what, why, when, and how of any of your lives at any given moment.

I've probably Googled you and it feels good to get that off my chest.

Our best qualities and our worst qualities are often closer than we want them to be.

This same nosiness actually makes me really good at my job. I listen to artists talk about their projects and genuinely want to know the details. I like to think this also helps me be a good friend - I like to listen and work through issues with people I care about. I work very hard at recognizing when issues are just not my business (to varying levels of success) because I know my nosy tendencies. I also work hard at making sure that someone wants to share information I'm asking for. Intrusive prying isn't helpful and it's taken me a while to learn that.

By recognizing our truths (good or ill) we are empowered to behave our best instead of doomed to live at our worst.

I feel that often times we assume we are better people than we are. It's how we get into those "I don't know that happened" situations - we assumed we would make better choices than we did. There are situations for all of us that can lead us to behaving our worst: don't ignore those situations, recognize them and commit to doing better. Find situations where that same "negative" tendency is an asset. Find even more situations where your best tendencies flourish. Be conscious of what you look like at your best and at your worst: aim for more of the former knowing you can't outrun the latter.

In short, be great as often as possible. And when you're not, let me know. ;)

Twenty-three days more.

Courtney

Countdown to 30: 30 days, 30 Lessons (Day 7 - Be Kind Until You Can't)

Kindness is really a gift that keeps on giving. It is amazing how a simple act of kindness can make any interaction more pleasant and more efficient. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, and recognizing someone's effort with kindness - even if the effort they are showing is part of their job - is always a good idea.

There are times, however, where kindness isn't the answer.

As a Black woman, often my anger is both assumed and vilified. Simple requests for action are deemed aggressive. I have many a personal story of having to couch questions in flowery language just to be heard. Women, in general, are socialized to believe that anger isn't an appropriate response, lest we be deemed hysterical or irrational or overly sensitive. Kindness becomes the assumed default, and when women (particularly Black women) are not kind, we are ignored or belittled or gaslighted.

Kindness is a courtesy - not a prerequisite for recognizing someone's humanity. 

Lead with kindness: be open to giving people as much positivity as you can. More often than not, a kind word will get you what you need. Just recognize when someone is mistaking your kindness for weakness. What you need has value, regardless of how you ask for it.

Be kind until you can't, then do what you have to do. 

24 days of kindness (or not) left.

Courtney